Emergency Work Humorist Pillows

Fireman gets the fire pole stuck in his pant leg.

Pounding speeds up the computer.

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

Could you send a plumber out? I think the washers have gone!

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

Ants dressed as businessmen going to work.

Employee of the Month Parking

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

'It was going well - until his power suit short-circuited.'

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"Well, if you hadn't misfiled it in the first place it wouldn't have been lost."

"By 'dress down day', most of us mean not wearing a jacket!"

"In accordance with our new 'sharing of responsibilities initiative,' you'll all be responsible for getting my coffee." i

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

"Barlow, it's come to my attention that you've called in, 'Playing Possum' 8 days this month."

'Everyone's true personality comes out on dress-down Fridays, even the boss's.'

"My boss had security escort me out of the office today. I'm worried this means I won't be getting a bonus."

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

Performance management: "We decided to get rid of the carrot and keep the stick."

"So how did the rest of the team respond to your promotion?"

The suggestion box.

'Ah, Williams, are you familiar with the term ‘Poisoned Chalice'?'

'And this is the computer that sends out our final demands.'

Downsizing.

"Read the part when I invented micro management."

'You might show a little excitement at the figures, Johnson!'

'It's my spare tire. Why do you ask?'

"Ambitions... to make a career change from tourism to sales."