Job Perks Aficionado T-Shirts

'...and we offer a limited dental plan: uppers or lowers?'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

"It raises trust issues, Mr. Kranse, when your very first question is 'what's the catch?'."

Resume Dumpers

'... and finally, to my business partner I leave my corporate parking space.'

"I know you used to be our paperboy. That's why when you leave, you'll find your resume on the roof."

"When you promised me 'a set of wheels', I assumed a company car."

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

"You're entitled to ten sick days, five personal days and four complete do-overs."

"We got him through a firm of headhunters"

'I received matching offers.'

'And now, the Meeting Marching Band.'

"That was a good interview. Do you have any other questions about this company?"

"You come highly recommended. I like that."

'I see you worked here seven years ago. Don't you have a better reference than that?'

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

"You'll be allowed to work from home two days a week... Saturday and Sunday."

'I warned you not to ask for a shorter work week.'

"I told you they had a tough interview process here."

'I'd love to have whatever job you have left.'

Very well, Mr Potter. I blinked first. You're hired.

'Who said honesty is the best policy?'

"That's not all I do. Actually I'm a psychological counselor- gymnast-motivational speaker-relaxation therapist-sex worker."

"Maybe we apply as a group....crowdsourcing employment."

'Guilty? But I just hired an expensive personnel firm to update my resume.'

'Have you any other references apart from your mother's?'

'We're looking for someone who would be comfortable toiling in obscurity for at least thirty years.'

'I'm going to write a salary figure on this piece of paper. You tell me if it is acceptable or too high.'

Compete with This

'Heyyy, you're hired! Want a peanut?'

'The LACK of a resume indicates that I don't need one.'

'What training do I get?'

Personnel. We're overstaffed right now. With the amount of work I do, I'd hardly be noticed.

"I like my job. It keeps me alive."

'Since you were previously self-employed, you shouldn't mind working for us without a health plan.'