Job Market Jokers Pillows

"Sorry. We don't need anyone at the moment."

'This is one of those 'shovel ready' jobs you hear about.'

"Damn tail... now he's going to ask for more money."

'I have this fear of the real world...'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

Man to realtor: 'How much for a starter cubicle?'

"And where have you previously moused?"

'I'm afraid you don't have the leadership qualities we're seeking.'

'Yes, can I help you?'

How are you at decision making?

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

"You don't mind the psychometric test, do you?"

'You've spelt 'C.V.' wrongly.'

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

A man is selling, 'Cameron voodoo dolls', outside of job centre.

The world's most unemployable family

'You're in luck - we do have a temporary position in advertising'.

Bank P45's - 'Cashier number 5 please.'

Opp'y of a Lifetime

Now Hiring. Artificial Intelligence & Research Lab. "Artificial Intelligence"? Great! I'd be a real asset to your project since I'm not as intelligent as I look!

"I know you used to be our paperboy. That's why when you leave, you'll find your resume on the roof."

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'Are you free at the moment?'

Now hiring.

'I see an applicant being hired!'

"It has come to my attention that you may have been somewhat less than forthcoming in your résumé."

'This is the age of specialisation - you can't be a hunter AND a gatherer.'

'Reinvent yourself, and get back to us.'

'We've replaced the hiring bonus and the health coverage with a promise of a job.'

"We got him through a firm of headhunters"

Resume Consultant. Listing professional development courses you've taken since your last job was fine, but don't put"New & Improved" above your name.

Personnel. Portions of my resume have been redacted for national security reasons.

"Good: I see you're fluent in nonsense."

'We heat the entire building by burning resumes.'