Job Jocularist Gifts

'All of your references say you play well with others, but there's nothing in here about you actually doing any work.'

'Take two tablets the moment you begin to feel indispensable.'

'No, your guess isn't as good as mine.'

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

"Little help?"

'Go right in -- he's expecting you.'

"It that it? I don't have my contacts in."

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

"Look Billington, if you can't take the strain, tell me, ok?"

Robot Jogger

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

'I find my job interesting because even after 27 years, I still don't know exactly what I'm doing here!'

Guess which "squeaky wheel" got another raise.

'You call it diversified work experience.. I call it can't hold a job.'

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

'Yes sir, I'll get right on it. Would you like it done with or without gusto?'

SNAKE CHARMER: snake reads 'help wanted' ad.

"Misunderstood,overworked,underpaid and stressed, it's bound to lead to depression...still enough of my problems,what can I do for you?"

'Welcome aboard, Bob. Your job is to figure out what the hell happened here.'

'What do I do around here? Sir, I really think I deserve some time for research and preparation before answering that.'

'Regarding where you stand for a payrise - you don't.'

Waiter: 'I'm not really a waiter, I'm an actor. I'll act like I'm waiting on you.'

(an employee is in grasp of a giant octopi.The employee's boss is yelling at him through a bull-horn) 'Mr. Smith! According to H.R., you can no longer be employed here! Alright H.R., you can set Mr. Smith down now!'

"Bad news, sir. The public isn't buying our new Pork Ala King."

Poisson d'Avril!

Why do you want a career in the bank?

'Word has it that you have an ulcer, Tomkins. Nice going! You'll find an extra 20 bucks in your paycheck.'

'Of course you're overworked and underpaid! Didn't you read the fine print in your employee's contract?'

'I'm married to my job, and now it wants a trial separation!'

I avoided the layoff, but they transferred me to the high-wire act. At least it's steady work.

"I hate my job and I'm terrified of losing it."

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who?

Jack and the Beanstalk.

"You should be grateful your hours are such that you're able to work 3 jobs."