Lawn Jocular Gifts

'This is my primary place of doing business, although I do sometimes do it on my neighbor's lawn.'

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

"Little help?"

"It that it? I don't have my contacts in."

'Congratulations! Our yard's been declared a national wilderness area!'

"Can you cut the grass but leave the daisies?"

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

"Bad news, sir. The public isn't buying our new Pork Ala King."

'All of your references say you play well with others, but there's nothing in here about you actually doing any work.'

The Scottish Lawn

Poisson d'Avril!

Leaf-Blowers: Loudly making yardwork someone else's problem since the 1960s.

"I let go of all my earthly attachments, but there's one I can't seem to shake."

"Ralph - you'd play better golf if you had your eyes checked."

Ways to Misuse Ventriloquism

"I've found the lawnmower!"

"Looks like we left out the wrong brownies."

"OK, I'll tell you what I know, but I can't reveal my source."

"Yes!"

A Pirate at the Opticians.

"Ey up, guys! Here comes the slaughter mower - everyone Duck!"

"That was a stupid place to put the lawn mowings."

'Of course this is the freshest free range steak, sir! You can even see the tyre tracks on it!'

"Well looks like it's time for eye glasses."

Football fan

'Silicone implant ward.'

"I love what you've done with your henge."

Garden Roller

"I haven't seen Bob for over an hour Mom. I think he's outside playing with his new hover mower."

'Julie,has anyone told you how beautiful you look today? If so send them in for an eye test straight away!'

Keep Off The Plastic Grass

Accountant Reading 'The Joy of Cooking.'