Jilted At The Altar Pillows

Didn't you get my memo?

'A contact magazine-any contact magazine and hurry!'

"They haven't said two words to each other—it's sad... I hope we don't end up like that." "They keep talking to each other—it's exhausting... So glad we don't have to do that."

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

United Church of OMG

'As part of our alternative budget management strategy we've got Tim on 'Hail Marys' in here and Geoff sacrificing a goat to Woden next door!'

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

'Sorry, I always cry at weddings...'

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

Church In and Out Trays 'Lord Giveth' and 'Taketh away'

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

'Please join me now in a group meditation.'

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

The 1st annual pet baptism was also the last

Out for lunch... GOD

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

'I understand the new usher is in the restaurant business.'

'How come I never see you in church?'

"OK, so you've told us what God thinks... but now I'd like to know what YOU think!"

". . . and don't forget to like and subscribe to my channel. Amen."

'Let us now turn to the Gospel According to St. Matthew for today's sob story.'

'Let go of the pole!'

Man waiting to receive communion drinks soda

"Scratch my head, would you?"

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

Dang, another calling. This time, Avon.

'We worship the deity formally known as God.'

"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it — who cares?!"

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"Thank you, but I don't feel it's necessary for you to play 'Charge' when I invite people to the altar."