Jewish Humor Enthusiast Gifts

Look who's religious all of a sudden

You Got Schmutz On Your Face

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

"And for my next trick. . . turning wine back into water."

'Things have really livened up down there since You introduced SEXUAL reproduction.'

Moses' Tablet

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

'The Lord spake to Moses? You mean voice mail?'

Oymoticons

'I was hoping you'd sign them 'To my good buddy Moses!''

"You call this a constitution?"

"Well, that certainly killed my buzz."

Trappist Monk Discord

"What did you expect in the land of milk and honey?"

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

"We've been wandering in the desert for forty years. But he's a man—would he ever ask directions?"

KING HEROD INTERROGATES THE WISE MEN TO KNOW BABY JESUS'S WHEREABOUTS

"This Adam and Eve thing -- Is there a warranty?"

"I certainly trust this meal is kosher."

'What does it say, Dad?'

The Beer Garden of Eden: "This hard cider is life-changing. Try a sip."

Moses uses the burning bush to roast a kosher frank

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

The Reason Ed isn't mentioned in the bible.

HELLth Food Sprouts

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

"Will you stop telling me to feed the Zebras? We just ate the zebras!"

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

"But you can eat as much as you want from the tree of bullshit."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

"Have your people call my people."

"...in other news: Google has been admitted to the United Stations..."

"Actually, you do have a racist bone in your body."

'Staffers don't report we're managing decline. They report we met our targets and did out job!'