Jealous Soul Gifts

'I'm not saying my wife is cheating, but she's sure hot to practice CPR on my friends.'

"That's Bill Swenson. He got very big after he left us."

Candid Camera store.

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

Could you see anything in her? I certainly couldn't! (Man's eyes are popping out of his head).

"You're new here ... it's customary on dismal Monday mornings to be miserable."

The most fabulous Gran in the world.

"Snow White swears by these 10 products for flawless beauty."

'The Saxon King' pub

"How can you expect anyone else to believe in you when you don't believe in yourself?"

'Can't you be happy without forever whistling?'

Graffiti Forever!

An old, dancing man holding a steaming cup

"Normally after 365 years we'd be looking at a better figure, but not when you've only worked one day a year!"

"His face may be in the gutter, but his bum's looking up at the stars."

Fishing Contest

"It's always a good time to have a good time!"

'On the contrary-I quite enjoy that Monday morning feeling!'

'I understand yours is a highly coveted position in this company.'

'Eat in moderation, Drink in moderation. Be merry whenever you want.'

'Constant euphoria is bound to cause some issues.'

How to avoid a heart attack.

Dancing Under The Air Conditioner

"Listen, everybody feels a little depressed around this time of year!"

Greece

"She's cute, but she's eroding my power base."

Jealous of a statue.

'They've got everything...one even has it's own shed.'

"It's too bad you're allergic to nuts."

A planet like ours - "...you know I'm just playing with you before I kill you don't you?"

'Oi! Take your eyes off 'im - he's my bitch!'

At a business management library one section is labelled 'self-help' another is 'outsource others.'

"Comparison is the thief of joy, Mittens."

Things look better through rose-tinted glasses.