Irs Insider Humorist T-Shirts

"Sir, there's an Irving R. Schwartz to see you."

'If you have to ask, you can't afford it.'

Exchange Rate Going Down the Plughole

"I'll match donations when you match my tax payments."

"It's part of a deal I worked out with the I.R.S."

"It's the government, they've spent all our taxes and want to know if we can send them some more."

Entrance code to MENSA club - 'To enter, simply type in the square root of Pi.'

'Hello, security.'

"Remember, report itemized deductions on Schedule A on your federal form 1040."

"She barks once for drugs, twice for weapons, and ten times for candy bars."

"I've switched from talking to myself to talking at myself."

'Geez, Dad! You never scream your lungs out at the refs! Don't you love me?!'

'I've been through your tax return and for the minute there's nothing to worry about.'

American's Funniest Tax Decuctions

IRS, 'Two jobs? -- Oh, the greedy type, eh?'

His Other Shtick

Steak Lovers.

'Well, well. You made thirteen hundred dollars more last year than you did the year before -- you people never learn, do you?'

'Yes, Fluffy was a great dog and to honor her memory, we've decided to keep her name as part of our computer password.'

'Paperwork just lacked that personal touch, don't you agree?'

'Why aren't you guys profiling minorities like other las enforcement agencies?'

'Well, well. You made more money last year than you did the year before -- You people never learn, do you?'

'...and if my taxes are cut, I promise to stimulate the economy.'

Fabric Company: No tulle left in this vehicle overnight

Beware of the teddy

"Pearson is known for his austere monetary views."

"The tip jar is not for me. It's for the U.S. Budget Deficit."

'Don't worry! They're vegetarian!'

'It doesn't say anything about gift tax, son. It just says the Magi came bearing gifts.'

'I assume you have paper work to back up all these time travel business expenses.'

"Only one thing could be worse than paying income tax. Not having to pay it."

IRS, 'You want a refund, do you? All right †be that way!'

"Beware of owner."

Sorry, you can't claim depreciation on your wife.