Irs Insider Humorist Gifts

"Sir, there's an Irving R. Schwartz to see you."

IRS Audits. Do you have tax records? No, I pay about the same as most people.

'If you have to ask, you can't afford it.'

Exchange Rate Going Down the Plughole

"I'll match donations when you match my tax payments."

Try again - Your password has to include barks, growls, whines and at least one yap.

"It's part of a deal I worked out with the I.R.S."

"It's the government, they've spent all our taxes and want to know if we can send them some more."

Entrance code to MENSA club - 'To enter, simply type in the square root of Pi.'

'Hello, security.'

"Remember, report itemized deductions on Schedule A on your federal form 1040."

"She barks once for drugs, twice for weapons, and ten times for candy bars."

"I've switched from talking to myself to talking at myself."

'Geez, Dad! You never scream your lungs out at the refs! Don't you love me?!'

American's Funniest Tax Decuctions

'I've been through your tax return and for the minute there's nothing to worry about.'

'Paperwork just lacked that personal touch, don't you agree?'

'Well, well. You made thirteen hundred dollars more last year than you did the year before -- you people never learn, do you?'

His Other Shtick

'Why aren't you guys profiling minorities like other las enforcement agencies?'

'Yes, Fluffy was a great dog and to honor her memory, we've decided to keep her name as part of our computer password.'

Steak Lovers.

IRS, 'Two jobs? -- Oh, the greedy type, eh?'

'Well, well. You made more money last year than you did the year before -- You people never learn, do you?'

Fabric Company: No tulle left in this vehicle overnight

'...and if my taxes are cut, I promise to stimulate the economy.'

"Pearson is known for his austere monetary views."

Beware of the teddy

"The tip jar is not for me. It's for the U.S. Budget Deficit."

'It doesn't say anything about gift tax, son. It just says the Magi came bearing gifts.'

'Don't worry! They're vegetarian!'

'I assume you have paper work to back up all these time travel business expenses.'

"Only one thing could be worse than paying income tax. Not having to pay it."

IRS, 'You want a refund, do you? All right †be that way!'

'I want to suck your toes.' - A problem for Maxwell Smart and his shoe-phone.