Irony Appraisers Pillows

"I'm just sayin', the chances of Santa stopping by to fill your stocking are pretty slim!"

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"All natural snow cones for sale."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

Always empty your fridge before starting a diet.

"It's a cage. It's gilded, and I love it."

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."