Irony Addicts Pillows

"We've already had 35 people sign up for our new latte, scone and debt-consolidation loan combo."

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

Though he created more than 300 products from peanuts, George Washington Carver was unable to change even one of them back into a peanut.

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Bob had to confront his fear of butterflies.

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Backfire

'This country is on the road to ruin.' - 'Well, it'll never get there in this traffic.'

"No writers were harmed or mistreated in the preparation of this story."

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

Horror movies

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"It turns out everyone here is self-published."

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

"...and before you embark upon life's journey, could one of you help me with my laptop?"

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

"They haven't said two words to each other—it's sad... I hope we don't end up like that." "They keep talking to each other—it's exhausting... So glad we don't have to do that."

"How do you do it, hon? Marriage, kids, civic responsibilities, managing a multi-million dollar business and still finding time to do an 18-month stretch for securities fraud?"

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"We're at the top of the food chain and rulers of all we survey. What could possibly go wrong?"

'I'm so bored - nothing ever happens around here!'