Ironically Impatient Pillows

"Your call may be monitored to give us all a laugh..."

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"All natural snow cones for sale."

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Freedom comes at a cost. We must be willing to pay the ultimate price. Retail.

Always empty your fridge before starting a diet.

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

"To be honest, I don't believe in ghosts."

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

Deer Season Open.

"Ooh look Derek. A shooting star. Quick make a wish"

'I'm so bored - nothing ever happens around here!'

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

"Oh, look- French! Let's try it."

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

'This guy loves giving stump speeches. Ironically, they're all against deforestation.'

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

"If I'd known we'd be this long wandering the wilderness I would never have worn these heels."

'A religious zealot denounces a toaster for working on the Sabbath'

'Stuck on a desert island, in the middle of the ocean, with only a palm tree for company, it's a bloody joke.'

Flyfishing for dummies.

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"Just don’t tell the other vultures. I’ll never hear the end of it."

The Snarky District