Ironically Extravagant Pillows

"That money was for a crusade!"

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

Hamish Harris. The boy bon vivant.

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"Now you can send it."

"Bob choked on a spoon of caviar while he was on skiing vacation in St. Moritz."

Operation.

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

Trapeze artists commuting

"I was going to call you but I remembered I left some empty oxygen canisters on Mt. Everest."

'You're too fussy - the coffee isn't THAT bad!'

'Yes, that's all - isn't 1500 calories enough?'

Cockroach Costume

Man in a desert looks up to see a sand timer sprinkling sand below.

"Hey! Great haircut!!

'Excuse me, sir. Can I interest you in a timeshare property?'

RIP...snores are coming from the grave.

'I don't mind the haunting. I mind the droppings.'

80 Million Euros for a football player.

"You know Mike, you're so boring, you're interesting!"

'Let's keep going. Maybe we'll get there in time for the net olympics.'

Bird draws a snake.

"I'm still spending a lot of money, but I'm spending it ironically."

'Gloria, I want you to meet my significant other.'

"You're either going to have a fish supper or you're going to lose your memory."

'I still think you're lucky -- sitting in the corner isn't much of a punishment for TREASON.'

"It's time you knew the truth, Ron. Your father was a horse's a**."

'From living beyond our means, we've gone to living beyond our wildest expectations!'

Things and Creatures

"What's this I hear about large quanities of ice, fish, and small sea creatures being purchased by your department?"

Man crawls into a hole labeled 'for people'.

Diet now...ask me how. 'I spent $600 at the fat farm and haven't lost a single kilo, apparently you're supposed to show up...'

"Some people collect miniatures, but we feel we have too much money for that."

"Sayyy....what a perfect opportunity to share with you the benefits of Scientology and Amway!"

Lover's Leap.