Ironic Twist Admirer Gifts

"Happy Birthday! Is this a bad time?"

The Final Selfie

101 uses of a dead cat: hot water bottle

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"We're at the top of the food chain and rulers of all we survey. What could possibly go wrong?"

"Hey, remember a few days ago, when all this was unacceptable?"

"Just don’t tell the other vultures. I’ll never hear the end of it."

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

He avoids wrath, envy, lust, greed, gluttony and sloth -- the problem is he's proud of it!

"You weren't expecting a walrus, right?"

"Our new information management system has just worked out where we wasted most money last year. . . It was on the new information management system."

"I'm afraid he left everything to charity... Oh, I see. I take it your name's Charity?"

"The UWS association for the advancement of A.I."

Magicians hat being pulled out of a rabbit

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

'Do you know how fast you were going?'

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

'Good luck, everyone! Maybe this will be the year somebody finishes the race!'

'And then, just to humor the guy I said 'I need a hug', little thinking that the big gorilla would do just that.'

'Careful, Mugsy, he's got a tool.'

Caution: ironic literal proverb ahead (fork in the road)

"Here comes the quote unquote dog whisperer."

"The last one is Uncle Charlie. He was pardoned in 1987."

Trojan horse with a satellite dish.

"Pregnant!... How did that happen? We took precautions, like not having sex!"

'Don't worry it's organic...'

Met Office: Wet today and dry tomorrow.

"Beats me. They put up the sign and went to their panic room."

'The company I ran was non-profit, but that wasn't intentional.'

'Do you have to be so melodramatic?'

Buy Back the Junk We Bought at Your Garage Sale

'I'm Bored'

Moses' TV guide.

'I think I'll wait for the movie.'