Ironic Gourmand Gifts

"We suggest you study the menu in our reading room before being seated in the dining room."

"Your apple surprise, sir."

Recipes from the Jean-Paul Sartre Cookbook

"This place is famous for its short fiction about food."

Cook in the cookery section.

"It's Chicken Mole!"

Bookworm group

Fast Nouvelle Cuisine.

'Most, yes, but they're not all carcinogenic!'

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"When it's extremely cold out, I prefer flambés to winter stews."

An art director eats: 'Waiter! Does this lettuce say 'salad' to you?'

"It all comes down to the aging and fermentation process."

"It's fondue night!"

"I enjoy eating healthy – I just don’t like the food."

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

"Gimme a double burger between two burgers. And hold the lettuce; it only dilutes the experience."

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

All You Can Eat Buffet: "Remember, my safe word is 'Diabetes.'"

Cook for 3 minutes stir, wait 30 years to discover if the contaminated ingredient gives you stomach cancer.

Hudson River Crouton

"I'd like seconds!"

'I'm afraid I'll have to get rid of you Simpkins. You're not good for business.'

Why Chemists shouldn't take their work home "I can't believe it's not b-b-vegetable mono & dyglycerides!"

'Chefs, the secret ingredient for tonight's competition is - wing of bat!'

Endangered Entrees

'It seems the environment people, the health department and the food and drug administration all have reservations about his place.'

'Two more strawberry creams and that's my ' five a day' taken care of....'

"You want fries with that Chardonnay?"

Seminar on Obesity in the Workplace.

"Putting a steak, chicken wings and potato chips on a salad kind of negates the eating healthy concept."

'The chef says that the quail was out but he prepared that little critter he ran over on the motorway which tastes similar and you nouveau riche snobs will never notice the difference anyway.'

Food-Snob Fear Factor

"They're quite fatty, so to relieve your guilt I made sure they taste terrible."