Ironic Gift Fan Pillows

A man goes insane from receiving too many ties.

'Emotionally there has been a vacuum in Nancy's life for some time now...'

"Okay, hold really still..."

Sleeping on the job.

'Oh, good - you brought The Broom of Honesty, Dignity and Self Respect.'

'Brand X, the wine for those with indiscriminate taste.'

Forlornaments: Tools to drain individual and team spirit

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

The Age of Reptiles. . .

"I've put on a few ounces, but it's mostly paperweight."

Blind man walking a tortoise.

Dr. Frankenstein creates his newest monster, Frankenmime.

Oh yeh? Well at least he doesn't get fleas.

'Yes, it's just a little volume.'

"I knew we should have gotten the shorter tree."

Wind turbine and leaf blower.

'Is your cabbage diet working darling?'

"Teenagers! Everyone try to look cool!"

"Every abductee gets a souvenir mug."

"Shouldn't have, you really."

Never give a cow a giant straw.

It became increasingly difficult for the captain to reward his crew and still maintain his ferocious reputation.

'You should work for Conglomo. You're allowed the vegetable of your choice.'

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

'Are you going exploring or retrieving a duck?'

"And when the extended warranty kicks in, we send you a big can of new car smell."

Captain Ahab (Ret.)

Shaman reads magazine entitled 'Witch Doctor'.

Hot food cafe open every day except Christmas Day.

'There's a little bit of my late husband in every glass - I used his ashes as a fining agent.'

Good stripper cop / Bad stripper cop

Emergency Underpants

'We only have one brand of beer, but we've got six kinds of flavor straws.'

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

Toast kidnapper.