Investment Meeting Critic Pillows

'Sorry, folks! The CEO and Board of Directors didn't show up.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"The little engine that could... after taking advantage of family connections, a trust fund, working two years for free as an intern, and finally getting hired as an independent contractor."

"We'll destroy it to the ground ... ...and then..."

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Stock market investment advice

Bernard Madhoff $50-billion Ponzi financial scheme.

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

'I want to immortalise the area in a painting before it is changes for ever.' (Artist is scooped up by a digger.)

Pillaging, formerly Acquisitions Department

'So, a bailout is like a Ponzi scheme for automakers?'

The Contrarian funds

'Next on 'evening shouting match'...is it a bull or bear market?'

Investments.

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

2nd bailout for Greece by EU.

Scientific Research: 'Uh...why'd it take'em 20 yeahs t' figyah that out?'

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

The New Square Mile Regulator.

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

'Stocks dropped today, proving once again that life sucks.'

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Wall Street: Panic, don't panic

Rogue Traders from Parallel Universes.

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

Large cap funds

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

Be thankful we didn't invest social security funds in the stock market.

Guide to Working Class Investing

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

"The most important feature of economic predictions is trying not to laugh while making them."