Investment Meeting Critic Pillows

'Sorry, folks! The CEO and Board of Directors didn't show up.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"The little engine that could... after taking advantage of family connections, a trust fund, working two years for free as an intern, and finally getting hired as an independent contractor."

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"We'll destroy it to the ground ... ...and then..."

Stock market investment advice

'I want to immortalise the area in a painting before it is changes for ever.' (Artist is scooped up by a digger.)

Bernard Madhoff $50-billion Ponzi financial scheme.

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

Pillaging, formerly Acquisitions Department

'So, a bailout is like a Ponzi scheme for automakers?'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

'Next on 'evening shouting match'...is it a bull or bear market?'

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

2nd bailout for Greece by EU.

Scientific Research: 'Uh...why'd it take'em 20 yeahs t' figyah that out?'

Wall Street: Panic, don't panic

The New Square Mile Regulator.

Rogue Traders from Parallel Universes.

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

'Stocks dropped today, proving once again that life sucks.'

Large cap funds

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

Be thankful we didn't invest social security funds in the stock market.

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

"The most important feature of economic predictions is trying not to laugh while making them."

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this damn committee.'