Investment Entertainer Gifts

'Actually, they're a hybrid. They are a blue-chip, common stock.'

'Now THAT'S a presentation! Great delivery, great graphics, and he moonwalks from the room.'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"The new revenue stream is finally kicking in."

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

"We have a new line of designer hedge funds...the Topiary Group."

Roller Coasters

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Pottery Slam

'See if you can get them to flambe the check, too.'

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

'I thought up the term 'too big to fail'. So where's my bonus?'

The New Square Mile Regulator.

Landing That Tough Account

Large cap funds

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

"It's a profit and loss statement. Read it with gusto!"

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

'It's a glorious day over Wall Street today, with barely a 20 chance of the sky falling.'

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

'I'm beginning to worry -- everything I've got is tied up in investment newsletters!'