Investigative Gourmet T-Shirts

"No leads yet, but we're still hoping for a break in the case"

"Stomach content analysis shows the onions were sauteed after the pork was added but before adding the fennel."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, onion bagel with Nutella and cream cheese, dirt, dirt, dirt..."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

Victorian Fast Food - 'I'll have the lark pie festooned with eels, a full stilton, two bottles of port,,,'

Join me for dinner?

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

Cheese Pile

'So, in room 1 we sweat them. 2 is for grilling, 3 is for roasting. We leave them to simmer in room 4...'

Thermidor Dali

Haute Chinese

"Waiter... my entrée fell over."

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.

'Pass the grey stuff.'

'Good thing you ordered a double portion.'

Cut out and keep your own Chef

"Sorry about the delay, sir. The manager is interviewing chefs at this very moment."

'You want to eat out tonight? -- What if we get addicted to good food?'

Writer and his Muse on a cookout.

"You see, I don't believe in eating fast. I believe in savoring. I....hey, stop looking at my food!"

"Whatever is quickest - I'm starving!"

A restaurant with a "Main Dining Room" and a "Room for Dessert".

"Pinot Noir, God's apology for White Zinfandel."

"You're right, Pierre, they are licking their plates."

"Chef, we've run out of terracotta roof tiles!"

"When Picasso was hungry he would swap a painting for a meal. Times change. I am a celebrity chef..."

"I'm sorry, but Chef Scott feels he's moved beyond that concept."