Investigative Gourmet T-Shirts

"No leads yet, but we're still hoping for a break in the case"

"Stomach content analysis shows the onions were sauteed after the pork was added but before adding the fennel."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, onion bagel with Nutella and cream cheese, dirt, dirt, dirt..."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

Victorian Fast Food - 'I'll have the lark pie festooned with eels, a full stilton, two bottles of port,,,'

I told you I got us the best table in the house. Pizza.

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

"Waiter... my entrée fell over."

Cheese Pile

'So, in room 1 we sweat them. 2 is for grilling, 3 is for roasting. We leave them to simmer in room 4...'

Join me for dinner?

Haute Chinese

Thermidor Dali

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.

Writer and his Muse on a cookout.

"You see, I don't believe in eating fast. I believe in savoring. I....hey, stop looking at my food!"

Cut out and keep your own Chef

'You want to eat out tonight? -- What if we get addicted to good food?'

"Sorry about the delay, sir. The manager is interviewing chefs at this very moment."

'Good thing you ordered a double portion.'

'Pass the grey stuff.'

"Whatever is quickest - I'm starving!"

A restaurant with a "Main Dining Room" and a "Room for Dessert".

"Pinot Noir, God's apology for White Zinfandel."

"I'm told the items marked with happy faces are especially yummy."

"I'm sorry, but Chef Scott feels he's moved beyond that concept."

'You don't appreciate anything I cook!'