Introducing Significant Other Pillows

"Mother, I'd like you to meet a member of the armed forces."

You're my Mona Lisa.

'So let me see if I've got it straight. It was a very large squirrel and your husband is a nut.'

"Now, were those friends of your Gettys or Gottis?"

'Do you think we can cuddle?'

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

'Harold, when was the last time you cleaned the pool?!'

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The Science of Love

"Too crowded. Let's go."

Diner.

Romance

So Close..

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"It's kohlrabi, the next hot vegetable."

"When you say that love is in the air, you're referring to the smells from the food trucks, right?"

'Charlie is the first to admit that he's too old for me.'

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

"I can't decide if we're good people who are bad at communicating, or monsters who communicate perfectly."

"Oh my gosh, honey! Look out!"

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

'Cow in love'

"You're the lid to my pot."

Romantic Giraffes

You're the puff in my pastry!

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

Why we need poetry. . .

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

Very Difficult Conversations

'I don't care if it's hot, I won't go in the water!'