Introducing Significant Other Gifts

"Mother, I'd like you to meet a member of the armed forces."

You're my Mona Lisa.

'So let me see if I've got it straight. It was a very large squirrel and your husband is a nut.'

"Now, were those friends of your Gettys or Gottis?"

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

'Harold, when was the last time you cleaned the pool?!'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"It's kohlrabi, the next hot vegetable."

Romance

Diner.

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The Science of Love

So Close..

"Too crowded. Let's go."

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

"When you say that love is in the air, you're referring to the smells from the food trucks, right?"

'Cow in love'

'Charlie is the first to admit that he's too old for me.'

"I can't decide if we're good people who are bad at communicating, or monsters who communicate perfectly."

You're the puff in my pastry!

"Oh my gosh, honey! Look out!"

Romantic Giraffes

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

"You're the lid to my pot."

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

Why we need poetry. . .

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

Relationship Warning Lights

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

'I don't care if it's hot, I won't go in the water!'

Very Difficult Conversations