Interview Preparation Procrastinator Pillows

"How long have you been working from home, Mr. Farley?"

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

"Summarise all that's been said. I wasn't listening."

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

"Josh, can you call my 3:30 and let them know I'll be a little late and completely unfocused."

'1001 things to do whilst waiting to get on the internet.'

"Your answers sound rehearsed."

"Have a seat with the other candidates for the tech position but be wary of the spit balls."

'I'm doing a school report on 'the aging process,' Dad -- can I interview you?'

"How's the job interviews going?" "Not well. Seems they only want the best and the brightest."

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate ... I'm flexible on location -- I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume --- I don't think you understand what that means. The octopus got the job because he was a great multitasker!

"You may have heard some very slanderous rumours about this company."

'You seem qualified. What concerns me is the car you're driving. It's not sending out the right message.'

Don't use live interviews as rehearsals-practise and prepare.

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

"Have you ever had one of those days when it would have been easier just to do some work?"

"I can't mow the lawn today. A bug just flew up my nose."

"You're the type who'll make me prove every claim I make."

This year, Barry resolved to try new things and take more chances - starting tomorrow.

"You're great at hindsight, but we need someone who is more forward looking!"

"Very nice résumé. Leave a sample of your DNA with my secretary."

"I'm sorry, but you wait patiently on the line for an operator. We're looking for someone who immediately pushes 3 for more options."

'Oh, and if you really want this job, there's one thing you shouldn't mention.'

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

"I don't interview well."

"I'm your exit strategy."

'Work's the greatest thing on earth... so I'm saving some up for tomorrow!'

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

'Please don't read anything into the fact that I'm wearing loafers. I assure you I'm a very energetic worker.'

A candidate makes their greatest impact on an interviewer in the first few minutes...

"Clueless, malleable and not a boat-rocker - you'll go far."

"Your education in business and management is impressive, but I'm hesitant to put you in a leadership position now that I see you're a lemming."

'University of Xylongatnyefxodyl - never heard of it!'