Interview Impresarios Pillows

'You'll notice on my resume that nothing has ever been my fault.'

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'He's written some great slogans and some great labels, but he's never written a great coupon.'

Do you have any other skills?

'You lack the expertise we're looking for, Mr Wheaton - but darn it, I like your attitude.'

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

'We like your style, but hate your substance.'

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

"Allow me to respond to your question with a question of my own that I can answer."

"I believe you'll like our company. We pay our employees time and a fifth."

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

Help wanted. Various positions available.