Interview Idol Pillows

"The job is very stressful. You'll be expected to think fast, talk loud, and parallel park in heavy traffic."

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'You lack the expertise we're looking for, Mr Wheaton - but darn it, I like your attitude.'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

"That's the last time I write my own resume!"

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

"I believe you'll like our company. We pay our employees time and a fifth."

'Cat job interviews.'

"It says here that in your last job you did a lot of traveling."

'You're on the shortlist. It's between you and the bloke who's going to get the job.'

Bad Interview Technique

"I see you have a lot of experience in re-tail. . ."

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

"Your answers sound rehearsed."

Presenter Auditions.

"Everything looks real good...except these long gaps in your work history every winter."

"I'm a great ... umm... like ... umm... like... umm ... communicator."

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

"This is a fast-paced job you're applying for...what are your goals...where do you see yourself in the next 10 minutes?"

'Vicious, intelligent and ruthless? Certainly. But I think my biggest asset is that I'm a survivor!'

"And where do you see your mustache in five years?"

This castle manager job better be for real.