Insurance Industry Analyst Gifts

'Of course I'm still sick! I couldn't afford the ounce of prevention, let alone the pound of cure.'

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

Terrorism leaves Iraq and moves on to new places.

"I'm prescribing a patch. It will dispense meds as permitted by your insurance company."

Healthy Patients Only

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

'Excuse me, sir. Could you spare $2000,000 to treat an uninsurable pre-existing condition?'

"Grandma! What big medical bills you have!"

"Hey, little fella. Welcome to the risk pool."

Who blames who in health Insurance problems

"These insurance papers you gave us are for an '86 Buick."

'This charge is for the office visit, this charge is for blood work, and this charge just about pays off the doc's school loan.'

Deposits insured by the U.S. Government (which has a $4.2 trillion debt).

'Due to cutbacks on your insurance plan, your visits to Dr. Phil are no longer covered. You'll have to start seeing Physician's Assistant Phil.'

'Our policy is quite plain. We don't pay out on claims we can't pronounce.'

"Your health is so good, I'm going to recommend your insurance company pay you for the privilege of coverage."

"At this point we're no longer testing you. We're testing your insurance."

Where HMO's are headed

MEDICAL SCHOOL, 'I didn't know you COULD specialize in insurance.'

"There's been a medical breakthrough that can help your condition. Unfortunately, you need an insurance breakthrough."

'I'm sorry, but your surgery is considered to be experimental, so it's not covered by your insurance.'

"Hey, were it up to me, you'd be here for another few days, but then I'm not your insurance company."

It says, "In lieu of gifts, please consider a donation to the automaker of your choice." Invite!

Uncle Mort's Storytime. Billy the pachyderm was a nice guy who got a sticker stuck in his thigh. Restrooms. Went he for help to his mouse friend Fred … I'll take our yer sticker, Dr Fred said. Just one question before I advance. Who do you have for your insurance? I am not covered, poor Billy cried. So, limp Billy did 'till the day he died. Waaaaaah!

'An ounce of prevention was worth a pound of cure, but that was before Medicare.'

'I understand that you only use your vehicle once a year, Mr. Claus, but you drive over a million miles that night. That's why your premium is so high.'

"Well, certainly his claim seems justified , but if we paid off every justified claim what kind of insurance company would we be?"

Sacking a unprofitable patient

The insurance giants do battle, ironically costing their own companies billions of dollars in claims,

"So many acquisitions lately ... should we be worried?"

"We're phasing out Russian oil."

"Your disgust over ballooning healthcare costs is just a natural part of the aging process."

Bailout for General Motors.

"You're right, Obamacare doesn't cover everything."

Medicaid Expansion: "Better not take the risk, you never know when the well's going to run dry..."