Inner Diagnostician Discoverer T-Shirts

'Well my inner diagnostician thinks your inner diagnostician is completely off the wall.'

"Here...let me call an expert...someone who knows about these things."

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

'There's no such thing as 'ookawooka-itis' -- You have got to stop watching doctor shows!'

'I'm afraid it's one of those new superbugs.'

"I'm afraid that you have gnumonia."

'I have no idea what's wrong with you. I just collect information. My computer makes the decisions.'

'It's restless leg syndrome, I just know it.'

Bedside Manna.

"The doctors say you're not doing enough to diagnose yourself."

'I'm the doctor - I'll decide what's chronic!'

'I diagnosed you with THAT? Whoa! You patients really need to be more involved with your healthcare!'

I don't know what it is, but it's a textbook case of something.

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

'The pain in your eyes is from too much TV. The pain in your arm is from too much base-ball and that other pain is from too much home-work.'

'You're free to get a second opinion, but it looks like something's wrong with that green thingie by your liver.'

"So in other words, we're hoping to discover what makes the nitty, gritty."

'Take a look at this everyone - it just could be the signature we've been looking for.'

"Dogs can detect cancer, and mice can detect tuberculosis."

"Wow, at last! Somebody who's really ill."

'It's so rare you'll need your own teleton.'

'I've conducted a meta analysis of the myriad of tests we've run and I think I can say with a certain level of certainty that you are probably screwed...'

'I asked you for one good reason why I should follow your advice, not six.'

"It seems all doctors agree with you, but I'd still like to get a 15th opinion."

'Well you can tell Dr. Zimler that you don't have Dalnik's syndrome, and, in fact, I think you have Zimler's syndrome.'

"Well, Phil, after years of vague complaints and imaginary ailments, we finally have something to work with."

Tunnel of Anxiety

"Your internet researched analysis of your condition and treatment is impressive,and it would be 100% on target...if you were a goat!"

Medicine's Myriad Mysteries - "Cold?", "Muscle strain?"...

Doctors' Tour

"Nurse, can you send in the interpreter for Senora Delgado?"

"It appears the pain is caused by your acupuncture treatments."

'I've narrowed the diagnosis down to 16 possibilities.'

'This is my twin brother. He's going to give you the second opinion you asked for...'