Initiative Avoider Pillows

"Yeah, but that one's a little bit hard to reach."

Where the Appalachian Trail Crosses the Path of Least Resistance

"Tell her she's dead. I don't want to talk about the relationship."

'I'm tired of roaming the earth. Can we just stay home tonight?'

The Birth of a Lawsuit

'Thanks for the invitation, but I can never seem to find the energy to party...'

'Would you believe, I didn't get my homework done because of PMS?'

"I'll go on a cruise, but not if I'm forced to learn things."

Election Cancelling Headphones

Snoozed when I should have schmoozed.

'On second thought, dear, could you toss me the car keys?'

"I want to vacation where we can look at something scenic from some place climate-controlled."

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

"Just this once, can we not talk about news or politics or money or family or relationships or children or friends or sex or religion or sports or culture or real estate or the past or the future?"

"Yes Dad! I can see the ground way way down below very clearly! It's not unrelated to my reluctance to try flying!"

"Alert security, the buck has failed to stop here and is loose in the building."

"Pick two! Staying abreast of the rapidly evolving global pandemic and what it means for your middle-class suburban life. Creating holiday memories that your kids will treasure throughout their lifetimes. Remembering to eat a vegetable."

'I don't like to waste time. How long on average does it take a recruit to make general?'

"Year, pets do teach kids about responsibility. When they won't get off their butts, they know I'll be responsible."

'I don't really have a personal best. I'm just sort of OK all the time.'

"I invited a few friends over. Don’t worry – you can still be miserable."

'Aunt Val's pretty cool. . . Kind of hot actually. . . for an older lady.'

Herman likes to stay in his comfort zone.

Student at bookstore advertising used books advertises used homework.

"We came early to avoid the conga line."

"This is a great investment, as long as you're not in it for the thrills and chills."

"Sorry, dear, but vowing NOT to climb Mount Everest this year isn't a valid New Year's resolution."

Larry hadn't measured himself against real market needs for many years - and wasn't about to start now.

"I did the laundry while studying. Unfortunately, my mom can't find the lost socks or my missing assignments."

An agony of aunts

'Johnny Wilmot experiences the Grand Canyon'

'Can I hand up my essay on Friday Miss. My ghostwriter is unwell at present.'

'I roll over and play dead when I don't want to see someone.'