Inheritance Jester Pillows

'And thanks for being such a rock.'

"I know what this is, it's what mum and dad call 'working from home'...

Dog walking Human.

Professor Wiles grows insufferable.

"Because he's illiterate. That's why I have to read to him all the time."

"Nobody's perfect, but we're working on it."

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

"Before we begin, I'd like to say that in thirty years as an attorney, I've never encountered a more interesting departure from the standard last will and testament."

"Yeah, I'm still scared of it too, but the worst part is that it seems to be GROWING...."

Bad Interview Technique

"The incessant chatter was driving me crackers, so I got him his own twitter account."

"No, four glasses of water was enough. . . now I have to go to the bathroom!"

"You might need to remind Mrs. Sanders it's 'bring your DAUGHTER to work' day."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

'Hey, 'Houdini', after you figure out how to levitate the cork ou tof the bottle, I can use your magic at the kitchen sink.'

"My family argues so much over living in the city or country that it makes me feel like pulled pork."

"New money, Bobby, is old money that got away."

"All rise."

"But seriously do you think my eclectic knowledge of the history of the development of the claw hammer makes me more of a sex magnet?"

"My entire family's coming for the holidays."

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

"What if it's smarter than us?"

"I got the cream, but the bulk of the old lady's estate is going to auction."

"You've got to understand, in my family Dad was the poodle and Mom was the pit bull."

'I might even change my views on genetics research if scientists could genetically engineer supreme court appointees!'

"The good news is that you inherit Mr. Brumble's entire estate, Miss Finster. The bad news is that he owes an outstanding balance to your plastic surgeon!"

'You're not supposed to use fabric softener on ARMOR!'

"For my will I decided to cut out the middle man and bequeath all my money to the IRS."

'Point of clarification, sir. Are you still in charge, or have you ceded power to your sock puppet?'

How DNA molecules combine.

"Sure, I'll give you a second opinion. I don't think you should stay home from school either."

'...and to you, he has left his leprosy.'

'Baby sand shark eat their siblings.'

"For the last time, young man, I said 'NO'! You may NOT feed bubble gum to the dog!"