In-law Survivor Pillows

'My wife didn't leave me after all -- She just drove to the airport to pick up her mother.'

"...until death do you a favor."

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

"I consider every member of our family to be like family."

First Steps

"Hey, Dunleavy! I hear the boss is clearing out more dead wood today! Maybe you should've just stayed home and called in stick! Get it? Called in stick?"

"I'm at that awkward stage between credit card payments and alimony payments."

Holiday-Cancelling Headphones

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"I got over DDT, and I'll get over you!"

"Financial Adviser advises client 'I advise you that you're broke'."

"Being married to her was the most miserable experience of my life, but I was able to develop a sitcom out of it."

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

Your Dinner Is In The Trout Stream

Tax grab.

"Can't you just say 'bippity boppity boo' and make all these messy divorce negotiations turn into pumpkins or something?"

'These anti-depressants aren't for swallowing, sir, they're for throwing at your ex-wife.'

"Actually, this time we're not being asked to do more with less. Instead, we're being asked to do whatever we want, somewhere else, effective immediately."

'I did give your brother a job - he's keeping an eye out for forest fires.'

'Look at my new overdraft its fantastic.'

"Nothing - he's ghosting you."

"I'm sorry, Tom... but you don't Chronic Fatigue Syndrome if it only when you're going to see your inlaws."

Miami: Home of the Miami Relatives

'I'm working on a ten year degree. Four years in school, and six years to pay off my student loans.'

'I think that's enough enlightenment for now Tim!'

'Thank you for calling the IRS... Press one for laughter in the background, press two for crying in the background.'

"Every time there was a rift in our relationship, we got a cat."

"Just when did you leave your last job?"

"We're very sorry, Templeton."

"You listed your mother as a reference. We decided to contact your mother-in-law instead."

'That concludes the list of students with outstanding grades. And now for those of you with outstanding student loan payments...'

Bob gets his walking papers.

"The kid next door is doing a school project on heighborhood success stories and wanted to talk to you. I laughed so hard I wet my pants."

College tuition fees.

'I'll be right with you as soon as I feed Buzzy.'