In-flight Entertainer Pillows

If you're really listening to the control tower, why are you playing air drums?

"You won't be needing that book, young lady!"

"The new revenue stream is finally kicking in."

"Sorry, you're only allowed one carrion."

'Flight simulator'

Santa knows he has to be more careful. One more accident due to pilot error, and the FAA would take away his pilot's license for good.

Vampire on a plane

"It's my helper trout!"

'The best part is being able to fly without taking off your shoes.'

"RAF Recruitment Waiting Room."

Man watches a cat enter a pet door to a "V.I.P. Lounge" in an airport

Emergency Slide Height Limit.

"Welcome to Trapeze Talent Inc. If you'd like us to catch you, fill out this form, and we'll get back to you if we're interested."

Cow Pilot.

'My husband, Bill, works at the airport - I still haven't opened my birthday presents from three years ago.'

Pottery Slam

I avoided the layoff, but they transferred me to the high-wire act. At least it's steady work.

"There is no air conditioning in the luggage compartment so stand up straight and stop licking your nose!"

'Here comes the in-flight meal.'

'Hello, this is your captain speaking... I'm on the next flight!'

Bob was headed on a long trip but had forgotten his suitcase. Luckily, the airport folks were one step ahead.

'We don't charge you any extra, but we will hate you,'

"Flight time is approximately 3 seconds and - I won't lie to you folks - it's a bit choppy up there."

'Catching lunch again Steward?'

'Captain, a passenger says there's a gremlin out on the wing of the plane.'

A signaller directing pallbearers

"A sad incident at LaGuardia Airport today as a depressed 757 landed and burst into tears."

"In the event of a water landing, your seat cushions may be used as flotation devices. And, your tray tables may be used to bash sharks."

"I always end up next to the weirdo!"

'For a little extra we can allocate you a seat inside the aircraft.'

Baggage Reclaim

'I always ask for a seat in the tail. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain...'

' ... and that's a policy giving you flight insurance covering mid-air bankruptcies.'

Airport Security. Sir, one of your tubs is empty. That one's got my dignity!

Birds talk about flying...we land in the Hudson all the time - no big deal.