In-flight Humorist Pillows

'Sorry sir, the 'No Steak and Lobster Jokes' sign just came on.'

"Sorry, you're only allowed one carrion."

'Flight simulator'

Santa knows he has to be more careful. One more accident due to pilot error, and the FAA would take away his pilot's license for good.

Vampire on a plane

"It's my helper trout!"

'The best part is being able to fly without taking off your shoes.'

"RAF Recruitment Waiting Room."

Man watches a cat enter a pet door to a "V.I.P. Lounge" in an airport

Emergency Slide Height Limit.

Cow Pilot.

'My husband, Bill, works at the airport - I still haven't opened my birthday presents from three years ago.'

"There is no air conditioning in the luggage compartment so stand up straight and stop licking your nose!"

'Here comes the in-flight meal.'

'Hello, this is your captain speaking... I'm on the next flight!'

'Captain, a passenger says there's a gremlin out on the wing of the plane.'

"Flight time is approximately 3 seconds and - I won't lie to you folks - it's a bit choppy up there."

'Catching lunch again Steward?'

'For a little extra we can allocate you a seat inside the aircraft.'

Two birds refuel.

"I always end up next to the weirdo!"

"A sad incident at LaGuardia Airport today as a depressed 757 landed and burst into tears."

"In the event of a water landing, your seat cushions may be used as flotation devices. And, your tray tables may be used to bash sharks."

Baggage Reclaim

'I‘ll be relieved when they invent the aeroplane, these long trips are playing havoc with my wings'.

Birds talk about flying...we land in the Hudson all the time - no big deal.

'You shouldn't have forgotten the flag!'

' ... and that's a policy giving you flight insurance covering mid-air bankruptcies.'

Airport security - next step?

"Please remove your shoes, realize you forgot to wear socks, accept your fate, and make peace with your god."

'I always ask for a seat in the tail. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain...'

'Don't worry, I have this procedure down pat.'