In-flight Humorist Pillows

'Sorry sir, the 'No Steak and Lobster Jokes' sign just came on.'

"Sorry, you're only allowed one carrion."

'Flight simulator'

"It's my helper trout!"

Vampire on a plane

Santa knows he has to be more careful. One more accident due to pilot error, and the FAA would take away his pilot's license for good.

'The best part is being able to fly without taking off your shoes.'

"RAF Recruitment Waiting Room."

Man watches a cat enter a pet door to a "V.I.P. Lounge" in an airport

Cow Pilot.

"Welcome to Trapeze Talent Inc. If you'd like us to catch you, fill out this form, and we'll get back to you if we're interested."

'My husband, Bill, works at the airport - I still haven't opened my birthday presents from three years ago.'

Emergency Slide Height Limit.

"There is no air conditioning in the luggage compartment so stand up straight and stop licking your nose!"

'Here comes the in-flight meal.'

'Hello, this is your captain speaking... I'm on the next flight!'

'Catching lunch again Steward?'

"Flight time is approximately 3 seconds and - I won't lie to you folks - it's a bit choppy up there."

'Captain, a passenger says there's a gremlin out on the wing of the plane.'

"In the event of a water landing, your seat cushions may be used as flotation devices. And, your tray tables may be used to bash sharks."

"I always end up next to the weirdo!"

"A sad incident at LaGuardia Airport today as a depressed 757 landed and burst into tears."

Two birds refuel.

'For a little extra we can allocate you a seat inside the aircraft.'

'You shouldn't have forgotten the flag!'

Sometimes they need the oxygen mask after they see the new baggage fees.

"Please remove your shoes, realize you forgot to wear socks, accept your fate, and make peace with your god."

Airport security - next step?

Airport Security. Sir, one of your tubs is empty. That one's got my dignity!

Birds talk about flying...we land in the Hudson all the time - no big deal.

'I always ask for a seat in the tail. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain...'

'I‘ll be relieved when they invent the aeroplane, these long trips are playing havoc with my wings'.

Baggage Reclaim

' ... and that's a policy giving you flight insurance covering mid-air bankruptcies.'

'Did you Gack this suitcase yourself, sir?'