Imperial Skeptic Gifts

"I prefer the metric system. 18 centimeters sounds better than 7 inches."

"These aren’t the droids you’re looking for."

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"You keep an eye on our horse. I'm checking to see if the bookie runs off with our money."

'I'm part of the decision-making process... I'm the 'No' part.'

"God works in mysterious ways."

Department of No One Could Have Anticipated

'If I'd known these programs were going to be so fake - I'd be psychic!'

'Remember that outfit, Miss Wilson, that you said you wouldn't be seen dead wearing?'

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"I'm starting to prefer the ones who don't believe in me."

"I'm the black sheep of the family because I'm afraid of the dark."

"We’re having privacy concerns with your omniscience."

"Is it always so cloudy?"

Know Your Level

Rational explanations

Mind reader: "You're thinking, 'This is really stupid...people can't read minds'." "How'd she know that?"

'Oh I've always been a sceptic, through all my past lives.'

"We also stock non-alcoholic wine" "Why?"

Expert examining painting: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid it's a fake."

"I've got about 3 more inches before I'm willing to get reading glasses."

"What do you want first, the good news or the bad news about the good news?"

PERSONNEL, 'Your resume has everything but verisimilitude.''

"How can you suggest that this university's research facilities have been co-opted by the military?"

A person is reading another person's thoughts.

'I'm what you can't learn at Harvard Business school.'

"You denounce the scourge of American imperialism, reject the authority of the U.N. and the World Bank, and then a little joke."

'And I see you have a degree from the University of Wikipedia...'

"Hey Lorna, come see the stupid thing this guy is going to do next week."

Dark Thoughts in Buckingham Palace

"Do you offer a warranty?"

"Yes, we blieve that the earth is flat..."

The Ultimate Pessimist: "The glass is half empty and what's in it is toxic."

'Does it occur to you that seeking career and personal fulfillment at university is the plot of some mad scientist?'

Maizar Outrage on Indian-Afghan Border