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TV, 'It's a new Rupert Murdoch production -- the 'Things You're Better Off Not Knowing' channel.'

Tourists and their Pets.

'Come on, I dare you: I say you can't drink a whole dew drop...'

Admit it. We have a drinking problem.

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

"Just what is a runcible spoon?"

Happy Birthday Magicians of America

'I may not know much about art. But, I don't know what I like either.'

"Find out who's got the licensing rights for this Armageddon thing and get them on the phone - quickly."

"Returns"

World Championship Mime-Off -'HEYYY! He's in a REAL box!!'

A castaway on an island with an old TV that's washed ashore, sees two men in an approaching boat marked, 'TV Licensing'.

"Another helping of pretentiousness, anyone?"

"Abra-Viagra."

"I think it is most admirable," said Alice, "that you gave up a thriving law practice to be with this lovely child."

"I love craft beer! It's opened an exciting new world of snobbery for me."

"I don't know how to say this but I've found someone else."

Through the Looking Glass-King's Messenger in Prison

"Mmm... our situation reminds me of an Edward Lear poem..."

'Bravo Professor, you stumbled upon the one fact that makes sense of it all. Unfortunately humanity is not permitted to know that the Universe was designed by a committee of ducks.'

"Riddle your salad with pepper, sir?"

"If it's all the same to you, I'd rather eat this not knowing what the latest science suggests."

'Listen my man, I am not being condescending, I am just trying to use words I think you may be able to understand. . .'

The Great Banzinni discovers the oldest trick in the book.

'The review said drinking this wine is like drinking a Rembrandt. All I taste is the frame.'

If you had awful, disgusting fish-breath, would you want someone to tell you? Nice try, amateur. But you're talking to the woman who wrote "The Art Of The Insult." It was a best-seller in 1941. You just quoted chapter 48, paragraph 7: "The Plausibly Deniable IF-sult." Yeah. Right, you made that up. Nice try. Chapter 42: "Sarcastic Dismiss-sult."

"Don't you just love them when they're that age?"

Little Things

'We're screwed. Three Flashing Furillos eloped with Tribada Trio!'

"I'm enrolled in a total immersion wine class."

'Now we'll try some word association.', 'Fling dorp snoogle!'

I'm the illusion fairy. Every time you lose one, put it under your pillow and I'll pretend to give you a dollar.

"I made a nice zucchini bread."

"Mr. Hazlett is in conference right now. Would you care to see his evil twin?"

"There you are. I've been looking all over for you."