Hypocrisy Humorist Gifts

"Personally, I never take anything but aspirin."

'I'm going to be a lot more decisive from now on. Well... maybe not a lot more, but at least a little more.'

"I'm a dick but I don't want to be seen as one."

Halt! What? What'd I do? Did you order a non-fat latte? Yeah, so? Then you poured in a heap of half-and-half. Well, I

Environmentally friendly woman putting slug killer down

"Look at this grade...I just don't get it! Where is this coming from?"

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

Ethics exam cheater.

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

"Gee, thanks pal."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"My latest sighting turned out to be just another weather balloon."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I don't think the employees like me.'

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."