Hypocrisy Enthusiast Gifts

'I'm sorry you were on hold so long, but I was finishing up a webinar on customer service.'

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Nelson Mandela in despair over the crime rates in SA.

Trump pardons

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"Who's got the hammer?"

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

Political convention

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

Pets are reading the book 'Animal Farm'.

The truth is, Congressman, we didn't know it was wrong to screw people.

'Thank heavens! For a minute there I thought it was the news!'

'Half-baked beans, low fat variety' "Who says we have no taste?"

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

"After a long day or remote work, it feels great to change into something less comfortable."

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Bookstore, the Politically Incorrect Guide to You.

Emergency Phone.

"We'll destroy it to the ground ... ...and then..."

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

"You're a fine one to talk about my spending!"

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

U.S. Foreign Policy