Hypochondria Detective Gifts

'I'm very impressed with your web research, this self-diagnosis would be 100 accurate...if you were a patagonian fruit bat.'

"I think I may have stood next to someone who might have been near a place where they suspect one of their customer's partners could have had a temperature... So I've come for a Covid test."

Lady taking her little dog to the chemist with a cough

Hand Sanitizer Man, beloved superhero of every workplace in the world.

Providing Healthcare For All

"It's interpret-your-own-test-results day today."

'There's no such thing as 'ookawooka-itis' -- You have got to stop watching doctor shows!'

'I've been googling your condition and I'm afraid to say...I think I might have it myself.'

'I hope what I have isn't catching.'

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

A poem: With daylight's shift, winter draws near...

"Your test results are perfect and there is nothing wrong with you. We will operate on you for it tomorrow."

'It's restless leg syndrome, I just know it.'

'I just came back from the allergist. I'm allergic to life.'

"The doctors say you're not doing enough to diagnose yourself."

'Colds! Sore throats! Flue! Did anyone ever tell you you're a hypochondriac?'

CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL, 'Emergency, sir! -- Hypochondria has reached epidemic proportions!'

"Apparently reading about cancer can give you cancer!"

'Even I didn't realize it was a disease.'

Are you sure you're not holding your breath?

"I looked up my symptoms on the Internet and it said I might get old!"

'I'm convinced I've got page 68 of my medical dictionary, doctor!'

'You have a harmless but highly irritating form of nervous disorder we call D.Y.I. - Diagnosing Yourself on the Internet.'

Stay away from Pigs.

'I can only describe it as one of those symptoms that goes away whenever I see a doctor.'

'There's nothing wrong with you that a couple placebos won't cure.'

'He's battling a twinge'

"He's a hypochondriac."

"He was such a hypochondriac, he insisted on being buried next to a health professional."

'The part of your brain you used to diagnose what is wrong with you is what is wrong with you.'

'Well, we've probed and diagnosed you thoroughly and still have found nothing. Now Dr. Thompson here would like you to lie down in his office for a special 'hypochondria scan.''

The Hypochondria Times.

"Wow, at last! Somebody who's really ill."

"Trust me, Doc, it's quicker if I tell you what doesn't hurt."

"It's okay, it only thinks it has Dutch Elm Disease!"