Hymn Alternative Advocate Pillows

'Doesn't this jukebox play anything but hymns?'

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

Hildegard von Bingen

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Priest

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

"1. Flimsig used pallets, old foam 2. Stinkum goat wool 3. Beetup recycled lumber 4. Riskig kerosene lamp 5. Stupor hand blown by Nils 6. Smokum found on beach in Mendocino 7. Woblig 100% driftwood"

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

"Oh, you silly girl, you! Don't tell me you brought home another husband."

Religious Maintenance: 24 Hr Callout.

"You can tell when people don't have pets, because they start to look like their plants."

Jesus breaks the bread.

"So basically you're telling us that you make the youngest of your species sit in a room for twelves years and that is an education. . . you're kidding, right?"

Four Chanting Monks

Eurovision Hymn Contest

"If she has the voice of an angel I sure hope the others drown her out."

"Please turn to page 38 in your hymn-or-her books." The feminist cause marches on.

'It helps with reception.'

"What do you mean, what's my favourite hymn?"

'...And for those of you who cant remember the words...'

Hymns - Optional Extras

Thomas Dorsey.

"Please select hymn number 637 on your i-pods."

'I'm kind of a survivalist myself. I roast my own coffee and distil my own gin.'

"What d'you say we try sneaking out before the last one?"

Shooting the Dove of Peace

The minister's a sub, so we're all going to sing the wrong hymn, pass it on …

"As a vegan vampire I suck but I don't swallow."

"We're home-enlightening him."

Happy Everything

Women's Rights Gone Amuck...

Singer

"Brrroccollliii...brrroccollliii...I told you I was a vegetarian when we met, Dwayne, so get over it!"

"As vegan zombies, are we allowed to eat brains?"

Cough Mixture for Angels