Hymn Alternative Advocate Gifts

'Doesn't this jukebox play anything but hymns?'

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

Hildegard von Bingen

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Priest

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

"1. Flimsig used pallets, old foam 2. Stinkum goat wool 3. Beetup recycled lumber 4. Riskig kerosene lamp 5. Stupor hand blown by Nils 6. Smokum found on beach in Mendocino 7. Woblig 100% driftwood"

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

"Oh, you silly girl, you! Don't tell me you brought home another husband."

Religious Maintenance: 24 Hr Callout.

Jesus breaks the bread.

"You can tell when people don't have pets, because they start to look like their plants."

"So basically you're telling us that you make the youngest of your species sit in a room for twelves years and that is an education. . . you're kidding, right?"

"If she has the voice of an angel I sure hope the others drown her out."

Four Chanting Monks

"Please turn to page 38 in your hymn-or-her books." The feminist cause marches on.

'It helps with reception.'

"What do you mean, what's my favourite hymn?"

'...And for those of you who cant remember the words...'

Hymns - Optional Extras

Thomas Dorsey.

"Please select hymn number 637 on your i-pods."

'I'm kind of a survivalist myself. I roast my own coffee and distil my own gin.'

"We're home-enlightening him."

"As a vegan vampire I suck but I don't swallow."

"What d'you say we try sneaking out before the last one?"

Shooting the Dove of Peace

Happy Everything

Singer

"As vegan zombies, are we allowed to eat brains?"

"Brrroccollliii...brrroccollliii...I told you I was a vegetarian when we met, Dwayne, so get over it!"

Cough Mixture for Angels

'For you information, hymns are meant to be sung, not whistled.'