Humorous Musings Pillows

"The way I look at it, drinking alcohol may never solve anything. . . but neither did drinking milk!"

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

"The next song was sixties anthem for the youth subculture of revolution, anarchy and anti-establishment...and can now be heard in elevators worldwide."

"You say that using a colicky horse to pull you out of the mud may actually help his colic?"

'If I believed in aptitude tests I'd still be washing cars in Accrington,.'

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

Crime in bookshop

Men Working Things Out

'Silly me. I thought his 'Catch and Release' bumper sticker referred to his philosophy on trout fishing.'

'Remember, repeated failure... is no guarantee of eventual success!'

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

"Wow! Check out the moon."

This is what Fred gets for wishing for more hair.

Cat reading Rommel biography.

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

'It takes all day to eat it.'

"You're a bureaucrat, Ed. What do you mean you hate paperwork?"

Internet Shoplifting

'Money can't buy happiness, Sims, so instead of a raise, I'm giving you a bottle of prozac.'

"and what are you giving up for lent, Reverend?" "Religion"

'He's chasing the market.'

Universidad

"Dear Author: Thank you so much for giving us the opportunity to reject your work."

Spam.

'Young lady, stop talking to your dad in such a disrespectful way! After all he's a man with degrees and can fill in his unemployment benefit application in five different languages!'

'It was embarrassing. I always swore I'd die of her cooking.'

A panhandler with a sign that reads "From each according to his ability…. To each according to his need."

Expensive health care

'Ever since we converted the church into a jail, everyone is finding Jesus.'

Jimmy Mussolini With "Leon""Precious I cannot be. One more allusion to Gilgamesh and I'll trash out. I make mistakes, just like you, every day. This may be one of them. I'll take the money and walk."

"Well, instead of discussing the book we could discuss why none of us had time to read it."

"Out of my way! I'm late for that lecture on 'The Importance of Relaxation'!!!"

"All I'm getting is the effects of global warming on the ice cap..."

Dr Rimbone suffered terribly from 'Dentist's Block'.

'It appears that he was given payback by his trophies.'