Humorists Pillows

"What if we're just a ship in somebody's bottle? Yar, here comes me existential crisis."

"What I wouldn't give to be a fly on a different wall."

"For someone your age, the yearly premium on a $5,000 policy is $8,000."

Boy plugging dyke has water coming out of his his ear.

'He said, 'in his professional opinion, his bill was not outrageous'. Then he billed me for that opinion.'

"Does anyone else's robe say 'Hyatt'?"

'Okay. . . five more! Spring forward! Fall back.'

"You feel awkward? You're the one who said we ought to hunt bare"

'You're charging me for TWO seats; an extra fee for my trunk, and now you've stopped giving out peanuts!...and you call yourself a JUMBO jet.'

"You're not from around here are you?"

'Enough of this bickering! let's just do it alphabetically.'

"You're white.You don't understand my culture."

Her new doctor even made house calls. Often unexpectedly.

Universe Challenge

'Oh - go get yourself a porsche.'

"You're looking for the Holy Grail? Have you tried Ebay?"

Neighborhood Watch.

"Behold, for I have received a text message!"

'Your Majesty, the peasants are out of bread!', 'Then let them eat low-carb stuff.'

"And what's going on here? Looks like you've arranged to meet someone from a different household!"

'No need to give me your number, I'll just scan your microchip...'

'Sure, I'll buy a watch. You take plastic?'

'You seem to be raking in a lot of money.' 'I didn't realize I planted it in pay dirt.'

'Master Pavlov is a bit strange these days: For some reason, he rings a bell before serving us dinner...'

'Yes, folks, the victim was a bolt. Now, I'm afraid, he's a deadbolt.'

"And so if the pillage numbers don't improve this quarter, I have just one word for you: waterskis."

'Surely they don't expect us to carry around THAT sort of money?'

"When I see how much it costs to keep someone in prison every year, I'm glad I don't pay any taxes."

'I don't remember this canoe being this heavy, do you Tom?'

'Inside of me is a skinny person urging me to join a gym. That's when I sedate her with a slice of chocolate pie.'

An alternative theory as to why dinosaurs are extinct.

"What can I DO? I'm Lightning Larry, for God's Sake!"

"Duct tape..."

"No, you may not call me Mrs. Z."

'What is tact?' 'The unsaid part of what you think.'