Humorists T-Shirts

"What if we're just a ship in somebody's bottle? Yar, here comes me existential crisis."

"What I wouldn't give to be a fly on a different wall."

Boy plugging dyke has water coming out of his his ear.

"For someone your age, the yearly premium on a $5,000 policy is $8,000."

'He said, 'in his professional opinion, his bill was not outrageous'. Then he billed me for that opinion.'

"Does anyone else's robe say 'Hyatt'?"

'Okay. . . five more! Spring forward! Fall back.'

"You feel awkward? You're the one who said we ought to hunt bare"

'Enough of this bickering! let's just do it alphabetically.'

"You're not from around here are you?"

"You're white.You don't understand my culture."

Her new doctor even made house calls. Often unexpectedly.

'Oh - go get yourself a porsche.'

Universe Challenge

Neighborhood Watch.

"And what's going on here? Looks like you've arranged to meet someone from a different household!"

"Behold, for I have received a text message!"

'No need to give me your number, I'll just scan your microchip...'

'Your Majesty, the peasants are out of bread!', 'Then let them eat low-carb stuff.'

'Sure, I'll buy a watch. You take plastic?'

"No one knows his identity. He just turns up, cuts your grass, then departs without leaving his name. They call him the Lawn Ranger."

"Sir, did you order the 'special meal'?"

'I don't remember this canoe being this heavy, do you Tom?'

"And so if the pillage numbers don't improve this quarter, I have just one word for you: waterskis."

'What is tact?' 'The unsaid part of what you think.'

'Aah... nothing beats a lovely sunny day and the thwack of rock on skull...'

"Duct tape..."

'Frogs only! Violators will be toad!'

"When I see how much it costs to keep someone in prison every year, I'm glad I don't pay any taxes."

An alternative theory as to why dinosaurs are extinct.

'Surely they don't expect us to carry around THAT sort of money?'

'Master Pavlov is a bit strange these days: For some reason, he rings a bell before serving us dinner...'

'Inside of me is a skinny person urging me to join a gym. That's when I sedate her with a slice of chocolate pie.'

"No, you may not call me Mrs. Z."

'Aww criminy, Elaine... Did you even look at the dry cleaning when you picked it up?'