Humorist With A Typewriter Gifts

Man in the stocks on his typewriter.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

Terry had a computer bug.

'Amount of white out used while writing, Moby Dick, an issue of The National Enquirer, and 101 Uses for a Dead Cat.'

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

Hardware and software

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

Smokers smoking on the moon, Astronauts smoking on the moon

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'It does data processing, word processing and list processing. Get me some data, some words and some lists.'

John Ixon: Ran Out of Survival Tips.

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

Paunch and Judy.

'So, the memo said, 'twenty-one gnu salute' huh?'