Humor Collecting Pillows

Why would anyone want to polish a lemon?

'These are Martha's Camp Cupcake Muffins - and I've just ordered her new apron from the prison gift shop.'

Waiting for the 5 o'clock hooter.

Vegetarian Birds

Dog to dog: 'I hate the way pointers are always blaming somebody else.'

'It IS an interesting hat isn't it? I made it from the skin of the last dog that fouled my mooring ropes!'

Santa vs traffic warden...

Bedside manner was something Doctor Smith never managed to get to grips with.

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'So where do you think pineapple juice comes from?'

'Me, I don't spend my pocket money: I hoard it...'

'Bert's dog training.'

'RUN FOR COVER!!!!! It's another one of those 'Baby Showers'!!!

"Eat me"

"Do we have to go to the beach? I think the airline mixed up my luggage."

A 'Falling Rock' and a 'Deer Crossing' zone.

'The bad news is you're going to marry a geek, and not a pro athlete. The good news is the geek owns the team.'

Cake Free Zone

"Whoa. Someone needs their diaper changed."

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

A golden Big Boy holding a plate of poop

"Fantastic! Do you realize what we've just stumbled upon? It's the fabled Lost Glove Compartment of the Ancient Astronauts!"

'Kix? Yes, Ma'am -- you can get your Kix on aisle 66.'

Mulching Vacuum Cleaner

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

Man falls in water Title: 'Willis was always an overachiever.'

The Tale of the Tape of the Tail.

'I've just discovered that one of my ancestors was a Security Goose for the Roman Army...'

A watch face with Stonehenge

Whatís that, boy? Youíre too tired for a walk and you just want to watch TV?

'Forget worms. Think fast food.'

"I'm excited to get fixed at the vet, had no idea I was broken."

Vanna White: The Later Years.