Human Resources Consultant Pillows

'This may be casual Friday, but for you, Simpkins, there won't be a workday Monday!'

"Whereas we don't refuse to hire former whistleblowers, it says here you've rolled over for prosecutors 28 times."

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

"Forget five-year plans. Let's just figure out how to make it to lunch."

"I wonder if A.I. will inevitably become as tired and depressed as we are."

"Miracles happen, gentlemen, but they don't come cheap."

"Staff support"

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

'Ok, I'm in a paperwork mood. Let 'er rip.'

"Shall we start with an icebreaker?"

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

'I'm judging by your silence Al that you're giving me the green light on the Greenwich project. I just want to say that I admire your leadership. I guess that's why you've been running this company for 20 years.'

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"Who's got the hammer?"

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

Inclusive speech

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

'Asynchronous, collaborative, interactive - we're obviously on a roll.'

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

'I've already been recruited by one of the top fast-food chains in the country!'

"But don't let my wacky tie fool you. We actually take business very seriously around here."

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

'Got to admit,as far as mission statements go, it's pretty damn bold.'

'Ok, here's the meeting agenda ... it's gonna be a long one.'

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

"You are being overly-defensive again, Brenda!"

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

Good Luck!

"I see we're going up against the Big Guys."