Human Behavior Analyst Gifts

What do men/women/humans want?

'I notice in your resume that you said, and I quote, 'I pay attention to details'.'

Jane Goodall patiently gains the trust of her subjects in an unpublicized research project.

'So when did you first realize that you might be a scientist...?'

"Well, obviously, I'm not an expert on how humans behave during the day, but I too have noticed a lot of anti-social behaviour around these places called bars..."

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

"Sometimes ... I just want to run away."

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

"The way he stacks those blocks, I see repression, some hostility, and a lot of dissatisfaction with his place in society."

"But if you cure my hypochondria I won't have any hobbies."

"Want me to talk to the squirrel's mother, or would you prefer to handle it on your own?"

"Welcome aboard. We will endeavor to treat you with dignity and respect. Now get you and your stupid face out of my office."

Hoodie Hang-out

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

"It says here that humans are the only member of the animal kingdom who can have sex any time, any place."

"If you can’t beat ’em, roll around in their decaying carcass."

"Why can't I get anything done unless I'm totally stressed out about it?" "Is it possible to be relaxed and still be productive?" "What is wrong with my brain?" "Why don't you work better?"

"I think I see a miscreant in the carpark. There's no time to call the police I must deal with it myself."

"I plan on keeping this off my resume!"

"My System 1 tells me she's articulate, capable, shrewd. My System 2 says BIMBO."

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

'We seem to have more luck getting people to accept cookies rather than broccoli when they visit websites.'

'Look! Man has been here!' 'Yeah, it must have been a man because the seat was left up.'

"I see a psychiatrist holding a Rorschach test."

'You're docile enough alright, but I don't like how you grind your teeth while you sleep!'

"He's so well behaved I'm really worried, doctor."

'You show me how to pass that ridiculous company loyalty test, and I'll show you how to always land on your feet!'

'Now don't forget what I told you - no touching!'

"People are crazy."

Don't jump! Just think what it will do to your wife and kids not to mention your career as a motivational speaker!

Kids' energy levels

"You have a remarkable lack of curiosity about your co-workers."

Freudian vs Behavior therapist.

'Why do I always pick the slow moving queue?'