Behavior Analysts Gifts

'Things were fine until the day that kid yelled 'Hey look at that ugly duck with the black mole over it's beak and the long neck!'...To think I spent all those years parading around, thinking I was a swan. I can't bear the embarrassment of it any longer.'

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

"Sometimes ... I just want to run away."

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

"The way he stacks those blocks, I see repression, some hostility, and a lot of dissatisfaction with his place in society."

Hoodie Hang-out

"Want me to talk to the squirrel's mother, or would you prefer to handle it on your own?"

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

"If you can’t beat ’em, roll around in their decaying carcass."

"I see you mister mail carrier... that's it, just keep walking... don't even think abo—did you just look at my house?! Are you looking for trouble? Cujo ain't got #!@* on me."

"I think I see a miscreant in the carpark. There's no time to call the police I must deal with it myself."

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

"My System 1 tells me she's articulate, capable, shrewd. My System 2 says BIMBO."

"If you want to play fetch with the dog, throw your own @#&% arm."

"I plan on keeping this off my resume!"

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

'We seem to have more luck getting people to accept cookies rather than broccoli when they visit websites.'

I bark and bark and bark. . . Therefore I am.

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"He's so well behaved I'm really worried, doctor."

'You're docile enough alright, but I don't like how you grind your teeth while you sleep!'

"They took my pellets, man, I been hitting' that lever al day, they took my PELLETS!"

'You show me how to pass that ridiculous company loyalty test, and I'll show you how to always land on your feet!'

'Now don't forget what I told you - no touching!'

Kids' energy levels

"That will be $109.85." "What! Sign says they’re $1.69 each." "Yes, and you have 65 of them."

"People are crazy."

"You have a remarkable lack of curiosity about your co-workers."

Freudian vs Behavior therapist.

"Why would I demean myself to be Master's best friend when I can be Master's master?"

'Please Miss, I know why birds fly south in the winter. It's because it's too far to walk!'