Hr Satire Fan Gifts

'Next thing I'll need from you is a sample. Writing or urine - your choice.'

"On the other hand...perhaps we were a bit hasty in letting you go!"

"Looks like we found the issue."

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

'Germaine, what did you do with my desk?'

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

'No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up.'

'Yes, can I help you?'

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

"It's okay to be ambitious but do you dare to pee on my tree, Jackson!"

"He'll do anything to say in power."

Non-Power Breakfast

Whack-a-mole CEO.

Suggestions box in a toilet.

'Not exactly what I meant by job creation.'

Told you...Nonsense compulsive disorder.

"While we're on the subject of earnings, does anyone have a clever metaphor using the word, 'toilet'?"

"You haven't been laid off because you're the designated scapegoat."

'You say you're willing to start at the bottom...'

"It's a swearbox."

"Comparing our salaries with the workers' salaries makes me cry...with laughter!"

Scapegoat of the Year

'And these are the projections if we stop doing silly things like paying the employees.'

Stoneage business ethics: 'But, hey, this 'ethics' stuff isn't carved in stone!'

'Stevens, get in here. I need a few minutes with the left side of your brain.'

"Here's a manual of our rules and a CD that covers our unwritten rules.

'You'll never succeed until the kissing up becomes instinctual.'

"Already sold your soul to the company? Listen, I'll have my people talk to their people."

"Gentlemen, may I present our company's future. A buggy whip... with Bluetooth!"

Death Boss

"Anyone else see weaknesses in my report?"

I kicked him upstairs to Diaz, Diaz kicked him over to Fennelson, and Fennelson evidently kicked him out the window.

"What are your other qualifications besides 'my daddy owns the company'?"