Hr Comedy Lover Gifts

"Why have you called the new post 'assistant deputy administrative project support?" "Because it sounded better than 'skivvy'."

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

'Apparently, Smith's desk just couldn't withstand the weight of the paperwork we piled on his desk.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

'Yes, can I help you?'

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

'What can I do to create a climate where things get done?'

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

'We're very proud of you, Jenkins. Keep up the good work.'

'I'll need more than I can spend.'

"First the good news - one of us hasn't been made redundant."

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

"I've downloaded an app to hire and fire people."

"I have to say candidate two made a very good impression."

'The last guy I worked for kept me on a short leash.'

'Says here you can tear phonebooks in half? Well, security could use a man like you in our shredding department!'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"You're an overweight, overpaid, over-the-hill senior executive, Dalrymple. What did you have in mind to remedy that situation?"

'I wish I could fire people as well as Donald Trump.'

"Ziegler, I'm transferring you out of the energy commission!"

'I solved the union problem. I made everyone management!'

"I can handle a wide variety of work. In fact I've had ten different jobs in four months."

'The really scary part is that he is the new head of human resources.'

"Don't even think about it."

'Interesting resume, would you mind if I kept it overnight? I'd like to take it home with me...and scare the living daylight out of my kids.'

'Elaine, no interruptions for the next ten seconds please.'

"Go on in—he's expecting you."

"Good: I see you're fluent in nonsense."

Rudy, from now on I'm going to answer all employee requests through Twitter. Publicly? Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. That's right. If you have a valid request, you should have no problem with the entire world hearing it. Now, what was that again about you needing time off for a proctology appointment? Never mind. Hold on ... composing a tweet ... How do you spell "polyp" again?

"The firm is always appointed above competence levels, you topped out at paperclip."

'Here's a job that sounds just like mine, oh-oh, it is mine.'

Frank abuses the Power of Attorney.

'Accounting has suggested we standardize our billing procedure.'