Housing Crisis Humorist Pillows

"You're moving in with us? We were going to move in with you."

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

'. . .actually I'm not a real Guru, I was forced up here originally by the property prices.'

Pest Control

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

An exaggeration of estate agents

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Now from this room you can get a great view of the whales going by!'

'We do have a property in your price range, but we need a time machine to go back and visit it!'

'Now, it does require some modernisation. . . .'

'The only means of access was via the previous tenant's hair. But not to worry, there's a ladder 'round the back.'

Repossessions

"I've downsized."

"The high price is due to the great view of the beach."

"Efficiency tombs available"

"The bank rejected my application for a 2nd mortgage. They said they didn't have 1 in my size."

"For sale £470,000 house included"

"Come climate change, you could find yourself sitting beach-front on the French riviera."

"As president of the tenants' association, I have to inform you that our list of grievances has been eaten."

'It mostly scares the realtors.'

"The only thing we seem to have in your price range is a bird box in Billericay."

"We figured why not make some money while we migrate south."

"Every once in a while this house comes with a pool."

"Yes, it's nice, but it's lost twenty per-cent of its value in the past year."

"No pressure, but I do have another couple who are very interested."

Red Ink: "Busy as a bee, Ted, given the niche we've cut out for ourselves."

'I'm so glad I moved into this basement flat Mary. It's put me on the property ladder and the neighbours are so friendly!'

'The previous owner broke his leash ...I mean, lease.'

'With my new promotion, I can move us into a bigger shoe.'

'Cosy little kitchen, isn't it?'

'But your advert said, Fantastic view.' - 'She's out right now.'

Toughing it out in the real estate game.